Today marks my 365th day in Belize! 🇧🇿
Last year, I left Colorado…my home…my bio family…my glitter family…and my soul-puppy, to see if I could make it on my own in another country. I packed two bags filled with clothes and essentials, a backpack with my electronics, and $1500.00 USD in cash.
Nothing about this journey was etched in stone before I left. I mean, I sort-of had a job lined up at a coffee shop that was looking to re-open post lockdown. And, along with the job, I was given a temporary place to stay. However, both were tentative, and that plan quickly fell apart. Less than a month in, to be exact.
When it did unravel, I launched headlong into survival mode. For a short time I was paralyzed by fear. I had $700.00 USD cash left, no return ticket, no prospective job on the horizon, and I was about to become homeless. The fear was so bad, I recall many a night where I sat on the back step of the condo, chain-smoking at 3:00 in the morning, wondering what the hell I was going to do?
With a deep understanding that no one was going to rescue me, I started calling every contact I had. I even posted in Facebook groups, looking for a job and a new place to stay. Unfortunately, due to the little cash I had left, the job would need to come first.
As luck would have it, a week after the first job jumped ship, I was given the contact information for a man who was looking for someone to manage his coffee shop. It seemed Belize wasn’t done with me yet! As soon as I could, I made the call, and sent my resume in. A day later, the prospective employer contacted me to set up an interview.
If It Sounds Too Good To Be True…
The morning of the interview, I dressed in the most professional clothes I had, and set off to win my new position. We met at the coffee shop and spoke for a bit, then decided to take a walk. Though some of his questions seemed a bit personal, I decided I had enough power in me to deflect anything too forward.
Truly, the pitch was awesome! As it was described, I would be the manager of the cutest little coffee shop in San Pedro, making $500.00 BZD per week.* I’d have one weekend a month with three days off. AND…he excitedly talked about expanding across Central America!!! Per our discussion, once the shop in San Pedro was stabilized, I would be jaunting off to places like Nicaragua and El Salvador, to open new cafés! Everything sounded like a dream come true, and with zero alternative, I excitedly agreed to be the new manager. After all, I was desperate, and he was a good salesman.
When something seems too good to be true…for the love of all things, BELIEVE IT!
That job lasted about three months. From day one, it was an uphill battle. Unbeknownst to me, the owner never told the staff he was hiring a new manager. It came as quite a shock to all of us, the day I walked in. On top of all the chaos and drama his negligence created, few of his original promises were upheld. For three months, I worked seven days a week without time off. Many of those days were 12 – 14 hours long and chock full of all kinds of craziness.
To add insult to injury, my role as manager was never supported. I had no authority to make executive decisions and every one of my subordinates knew it. Such a setup allowed them to continue their day to day fuckery, without being held accountable. Then, when it came time to sort out their fuckery, the owner would cave and give them whatever they wanted, undermining me at every turn. Basically, it was the most toxic work environment I’ve ever worked in.
After what seemed to be a lifetime of ulcer cultivating insanity, I decided I’d had enough and finally handed in my resignation. As toxic as the environment was, and though I felt a great sense of relief; fear and desperation, once again, nipped at my heels like a pair of rabid dogs.
Third Time’s A Charm
They say the third time is a charm, and in a way my current employment is just that. A week before I handed in my resignation at the cafe, a lady (who is now my new boss) walked in, asking if I was looking for a job. I was shocked at the perfect timing of her appearance. After confirming her query, we began the new-hire dance. I interviewed. We discussed terms. I interviewed with the co-owner. We discussed further terms. And, on a warm day in June, I was hired for yet another managerial position. Fast forward eight months, and I’m still here doing the thing! More on the current job, later.
What it’s like today…
It is far from bells and whistles. If I had to find one word that summed up my entire experience thus far, it would be – adaptation. Looking back, the easiest part of this journey was my decision to launch. However, I could never have imagined how much I would need to rely on my ability to adapt, just to survive. I think it is fair to say, this experience has been one of my greatest challenges.
There are a myriad of reasons I would describe it as such, and if I had to pick the top three, they would be: financial insecurity, emotional insecurity, and self-esteem.
In regard to financial insecurity, I make just enough to cover my rent, electricity, and put a small amount of food in my belly. So, we are talking about meeting the base level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. As such, this affects my self-esteem in a big way. I don’t (currently) have any extra money to spend on things I used to define as needs, but have now come to know as luxury. Being monetarily poor has a way of messing with one’s head, leaving little self-worth behind. Combine financial insecurity and low self-esteem, and you’ve got a great recipe for emotional insecurity.
I’m not even going to get into describing the “shame-tapes” my brain plays on a regular basis. I’m not writing this to whine about my circumstances. I am however, writing to share my story, and record this moment in time – an ongoing, massive, personal achievement!
Though I find myself still struggling, I am able to say: I’m doing it! I’m doing the thing! In one year, I’ve been able to establish myself in a country unfamiliar to me. I have a job, a roof over my head, and food in my stomach. And, I’ve done all of it, on my own!**
To be honest, I don’t know where the next few months will take me. There are many things that are still uncertain. Regardless, I will always have this experience and accomplishment.
Here’s to a year in Belize! Something I never thought I’d be able to say!
Xoxo,
Vesper
* $500.00 BZD is considered a huge salary, especially just coming out of the pandemic lockdown. During this time, many Belizeans lost their jobs. For those who didn’t lose their jobs, their salary was cut – sometimes by 1/2 to 3/4.
** “On my own” doesn’t mean that I haven’t received help from family or friends. I never want to minimize the roles they’ve played in getting me here. What I mean is: I don’t have a significant other to depend on, or share the load. And, I don’t have my support dog with me, to comfort me when I’m lonely. I’m here by myself, in another world, figuring it the fuck out!
The Sauvagesse 